Confidence isn't just a feeling; it's a potent force you can harness to transform your life. Last month, we talked about the secret language of charismatic communication. While charisma might be the signal you externally communicate, confidence acts as the inner foundation.
Yet so often we're caught in the trap of validation dictating our confidence, whether it is good job performance, social approval, or positive feedback. While these validations can make us feel confident, real confidence is internal.
Today, I want to share everything I learned recently from Dr. Aziz Gazipura (🎧Ep. 130) on the subject.
By the end of this post, you’ll learn how to:
- Unlock confidence
- Defeat your inner critic
- Prepare without overthinking
- Conquer the fear of rejection
- Create a personal bill of rights
- Navigate social obligations authentically
💪 Unlock Confidence
Confidence is a dynamic force that can significantly impact your life.
It's not just about feeling good; it's about believing in yourself and what you can achieve. Consider how it empowers you in various aspects of your life:
- Excel at your job: Confidence is your secret weapon at work. When you believe in your abilities, you're more likely to take on new challenges, speak up in meetings, and pursue career opportunities. Your self-assured demeanor can be a game-changer in achieving professional success.
- Connect with others: Confidence plays a vital role in building relationships. It enables you to approach people with openness and authenticity. This authenticity fosters trust and meaningful connections, making it easier to connect with others on a deeper level.
- Strengthen relationships: Beyond connecting, confidence allows you to express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns in your relationships. Believing in yourself makes you more likely to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts constructively.
- Shape your future: Confidence is your ticket to creating your desired future. It empowers you to take the necessary steps to achieve your goals and dreams. Confidence makes you more likely to embark on new projects, seek opportunities, and push beyond your comfort zone.
To harness the power of confidence, consider cultivating two fundamental habits:
- Be on your own side – meaning you learn to treat yourself with kindness, change your inner self-talk, and build a positive relationship with yourself.
- Take bold actions – meaning you learn to take risks and grow through discomfort.
Unfortunately, we often avoid bold actions because we fear pain, rejection, or disapproval. We procrastinate and fall into a loop of negative self-talk.
🥊 Defeat Your Inner Critic
The inner critic is your biggest threat to your confidence.
It's like a voice that makes you feel bad and unsure about yourself. Learn to stand up to this inner critic with three steps.
- Recognize it: The first step to overcoming the inner critic is recognizing when it's at play. Understand that the critical thoughts you experience are not a reflection of reality but a product of your inner critic.
- Name it: Give your inner critic a name. This simple act separates its voice from your true thoughts, making it easier to recognize when it's trying to undermine your confidence.
- Take control: Dr. Aziz emphasizes the need to stand up to your inner critic with strength and determination. When that critical voice starts criticizing you, and you believe it, you might think, "I've identified it, but what's next?" The key is to ignite a revolution within. You must dethrone the power of your inner critic and take charge of your inner self, becoming the captain of your own ship. This decision stems from reaching a turning point where you truly observe and recognize the damaging impact of your self-criticism. It's about reaching a moment of intense outrage or profound dissatisfaction with how you've been treating yourself. It's the point where you declare, "Enough is enough. I'm taking control from now on."
This applies even if you're already somewhat confident. There can still be a little bit of fear that holds you back.
⚖️ Prepare Without Overthinking
Sometimes, it's hard to tell if we're getting ready for something bad or just thinking something bad will happen. The inner critic likes to think about all the bad things that could happen, like "What if everything goes wrong?" and "What if the worst happens?"
This can make us really scared and anxious.
To find the right balance between being prepared and being worried, you need to know how much risk you can handle. When you start imagining the worst-case scenarios, take a break and consider whether things are as bad as they seem. Just taking a moment to think can make those scary thoughts less powerful.
Ultimately, you might need to practice not always being super prepared. It doesn't mean you should stop preparing altogether but try to be more open-minded. Remember, you can't control everything and don't have to worry about every bad thing that might happen. Odds are, everything will be okay.
One way I put this in practice is when I'm doing public speaking. While I do try to rehearse, I prefer to go into a talk without note and accept that I'll probably miss 10-20% of my talking points. However, by not needing to rely on those talking points I can take a lot more ownership in the delivery, which, so far, has lead to a better overall outcome.
💸 Conquer the Fear of Rejection
Conquering the fear of rejection is a big part of gaining confidence.
One good way to do this is by practicing getting rejected and doing things that make you uncomfortable. This helps you step out of your comfort zone, face your fear, and realize rejection isn't as painful as you think. It's a strong way to overcome the fear of rejection and become more socially confident.
Try this exercise: Ask someone for something you're sure they'll say no to. For example, go up to a stranger and ask for $100 without begging or giving a reason. It's designed to help you face the discomfort. And sometimes, surprisingly, you might get a "yes."
Before you read more, listen to some crazy examples of things you'd expect people to say "no" to, but they actually say "yes."
The Art of Confidence: Find It, Grow It and Use It to Your Advantage
The rejection practice exercise is about developing social freedom.
📃 Craft a Personal Bill of Rights
A "Personal Bill of Rights" is a key to being authentically yourself in social situations. It's like a list of permissions you give yourself to counter feelings of guilt or obligation. When you acknowledge these rights, it helps you navigate social interactions without unnecessary stress.
Here are some examples from Dr. Aziz:
- I have the right to say no to people's requests.
- I have the right to ask for what I want.
- I have the right to approach anyone.
- I have the right to ask for any fee I want for my services.
Creating these rights can be a powerful way to discover more about yourself.
Guilt often comes from a conflict between what society expects and what you truly desire. Your Bill of Rights challenges the idea that you must always please others, allowing you to focus on your well-being. When you really believe in these rights, you won't feel pressured to meet others' expectations.
Your Bill of Rights can apply to different parts of your life:
- In relationships: You have the right to express your feelings and concerns.
- In your career and work: You have the right to question, disagree, and seek clarity.
- In conversations: You have the right to change the subject or interrupt politely.
Identify areas where you feel uncomfortable or hesitant, and then create rights that counter those feelings. Your Bill of Rights acts as a guide, making decisions easier and reducing inner conflicts. Writing them down and practicing them reinforces your commitment to being true to yourself.
Your Bill of Rights is the foundation for prioritizing your needs and values without unnecessary guilt.
🧭 Navigate Social Obligations Authentically
It can be tough to navigate social commitments while staying true to yourself. Sometimes, you might end up in situations you'd rather skip.
Here's the challenge: How do you honor your own desires (like not wanting to be there) without coming across as impolite?
Instead of going to every event out of a sense of duty, focus on the relationships that mean the most to you. Identify the connections that bring you happiness and enrich your life. Realize that nurturing these meaningful relationships might require you to decline certain gatherings so you can save your time and energy for what truly matters.
When you say "no," there's no need to give a long explanation. A simple and honest response is enough. Express your gratitude and politely explain that you won't be able to attend. This straightforward approach sets clear boundaries without offending.
While it might seem hard at first, learning to "say no" more feels like a superpower and actually frees up your time, letting you "say yes" more as well.
🎙️ Podcast: Science-Backed Tactics to Level Up Your Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success
Yesterday, I talked with health and wellness expert Liz Moody, discussing her science-backed strategies to improve your life. Our conversation centered on practical steps for achieving more success, tricks to boost gut health, ways to nurture deeper relationships, and methods for reshaping your mindset to boost happiness.
💭 Parting Thoughts
Building and harnessing confidence is a challenge we all face, but these valuable insights we've shared will be the key to unlocking your true potential.
If you have any unique tips for building confidence, please reply to this email or send me a note at podcast@chrishutchins.com!
If you like this post, you’ll love my posts on charismatic communication.
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